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CATEGORIES
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HACKERS, LAMERS AND LUSERS
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< Back to funny texts
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Most computer users can be put into one of 3 categories: hackers, lamers and lusers. Unfortunately, not everyone realizes which category they belong to, which leads to following paradoxes:
1. Everyone thinks they're a hacker.
2. Lamer thinks he's the only hacker.
3. Luser thinks lamer is a hacker.
Those aren't the only differences, and following examples are a proof of that. Let's see how the members of these groups act in a few real-world scenarios:
1. His password:
Hacker: A simple one like 'jessica', someone else will break it anyway if he's stubborn enough.
Lamer: Complicated, e.g. #3;2Gu=0, changes it every week only to forget it in the worst possible moment.
Luser: A simple one like 'jessica', because how would anyone know that's his wife's name.
2. AOL keeps harassing him with internet bills
Hacker: Hacks the AOL database, they will catch him 3 years later.
Lamer: Hacks his neighbors' phone line, only to be woken up by the FBI pounding on his door the next day.
Luser: Sells his modem and works overtime.
3. Realizes he lost his home keys
Hacker: Silently picks the lock with a couple of paperclips.
Lamer: Kicks the door in only to realize he's on the wrong floor.
Luser: Knocks.
4. Math test at school/uni
Hacker: Reads his notes once, plays Quake all night, gets an A.
Lamer: Plays Mario all night, copies Hacker's answers, gets a B.
Luser: Pulls two weeks of all-nighters to learn, has it all memorized backwards in six different languages, gets a C.
5. Finds Jolly Roger's Cookbook on the net:
Lamer: Cooks a pound of TNT, brags to his buddies, they get scraped off the walls by FBI the next day.
Luser: Calls the feds, CNN and New York Times asking to take it down.
Hacker: Chuckles at how fast his ideas spread.
6. His car breaks down in the middle of nowhere:
Hacker: Patches the engine with duct tape and bubble gum, takes off with a wheelspin.
Lamer: Changes the tire, oil, spark plugs and whatnot, calls AAA in the end.
Luser: Cries and calls a tow truck.
7. When it's time to go to the opera:
Hacker: Sits down, goes to sleep before the overture, wakes up in the end to join the applause.
Lamer: Spends the entire time sitting in the buffet, or in the balcony spitting on people's heads.
Luser: Sits with his eyes closed tapping his foot to the rhythm.
8. His watch stops:
Hacker: Takes it apart, fixes it, puts it back together, has a few spare parts left.
Lamer: Takes it apart, puts it back together, the watch spins backwards for a few seconds and stops again.
Luser: Scratches the rust and dirt off, takes it to the repairman.
9. His pet:
Hacker: Computer mouse, his canary died last year.
Lamer: A pit bull named Warez.
Luser: A goldfish.
10. Last words before death:
Hacker: Logout
Lamer: Good boy Warez, don't bite off my leg.
Luser: Writes his last will.
11. Favorite movies:
Hacker: Apollo 13, System, Tron, War Games.
Lamer: Emanuelle (the entire series).
Luser: Baywatch.
12. Favorite pastime reading:
Hacker: Man pages, Linux kernel source code, bugtraq.
Lamer: 'For Dummies' book series.
Luser: Ludlum, Deighton, McLean.
13. Life goal:
Hacker: Hack'em all.
Lamer: Become a hacker.
Luser: Earn a boatload of money.
14. Reading the newspaper:
Hacker: Hacks the newspaper servers and reads tomorrow's articles.
Lamer: TV guide.
Luser: Horoscope: for him, his wife, his mom, the bus driver, etc.
15. Test question: what time is it?
Hacker: 98/03/05 14:15:19 Thu.
Lamer: 88,848,119,000 (seconds since 1/1/1970).
Luser: Quarter past 2.
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